He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
