Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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