can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
