what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
