i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
