Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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