Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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