i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved