How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
even my farts smell like vagina
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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