I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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