Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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