Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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