If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Farmville is her only friend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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