You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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