insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
