im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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