I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
