i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
