i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
