Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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