I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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