You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
