Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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