My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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