woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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