as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
