Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
