he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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