I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
