Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
