I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your penis caused this!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
