No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
