So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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