i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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