I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
