he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
