i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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