One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
