i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
