my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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