wat bout pragnant strippers??
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
