He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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