I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to cum in my sink.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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