pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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