everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
