i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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