I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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