Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
