It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just gargled with NyQuil
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
