When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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