looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
