I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
