you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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