Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
