So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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